THE THING ABOUT A DEAD EX-GIRLFRIEND

The thing about a dead ex-girlfriend is she just won’t shut up.

You never loved me, you just used me, all you wanted from me was a warm body.

The thing about a dead ex-girlfriend is she’s always right and it’s a bit annoying.

You think your wife’s better than me, you think she turns you on more than me, does she suck your dick the way I do, does she swallow with a smile, and call you by your christian name?

The thing about a dead ex-girlfriend is she’s always hotter and sexier and better in bed than you remember.

Remember that time rawdogging it on Mother’s Day and you were convinced I was gonna make you a father?

Remember that time outside the bar when you thought I was gonna get you arrested?

Remember that time you pissed all over my bed and I just flipped the mattress and held your crying head?

The thing about a dead ex-girlfriend is she’ll never forgive you for not going to her funeral.

She’ll call you a pussy and a coward and that f-word that not gay people are not supposed to use.

She’ll ask you if she ever really meant anything to you, if all those booty calls were ever anything other than booty calls.

She’ll remind you what she told you that night, which she’d never told anyone ever before or since, the way that Dave Matthews spoke to her, her bedroom covered in DMB posters.

What does he say? you ask your dead ex-girlfriend.

He says you’re trouble, baby. He says you’re no good for me.

He says, But you've got your ball, you've got your chain / Tied to me tight, tie me up again / Who's got their claws in you my friend? / Into your heart I'll beat again.

And you say, But what does that even mean?

And your dead ex-girlfriend says, Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. One exactly quieter than the next before she puts her finger over your lips and slides her other hand down your pants.

The thing about your dead ex-girlfriend is that masturbation gets awkward but it doesn’t make the masturbation any less mandatory.

What would your wife think? she says in between going down on you. What would your shrink say? she says as she mounts you. You are one sick monkey, she says as she starts to moan and gyrate.

The thing about your dead ex-girlfriend is that she’ll always be dead, never come back, never try to slide into your DMs, never be a real option for a low-down dirty shameful affair.

And that’s what sustains you.

Her overdosing.

Always wondering what percentage of it was due to you.

That type of narcissistic self-martyring.

It’s what keeps you from cheating on your wife.

It’s what keeps you from becoming a lowly degenerate porn addict.

The thing about your dead ex-girlfriend is all the what ifs that’ll never let you go.

But never let you go either.

What if she hadn’t gotten on the morning-after?

What if she’d gotten pregnant and kept it and you’d’ve had to make that decision?

And then she’d’ve OD’ed anyway.

And you’d’ve had to become that guy.

The guy who has to raise the kid he never wanted.

And never met your wife.

And never have to say dead ex-girlfriend.

Dead ex-wife instead.

Dead baby-mama.

You a widower.

How much ass you could get as a widower.

The guy who steps up and does the right thing.

Fuck, all that wannabe-step-mom ass.

Just imagine the possibilities.

BIO: drevlow is EIC of BULL and poet laureate bullshit, usa. You can check out more of his bu ll stuff at thedrevlow-olsonshow.com or on twitter, insta, face, bsky, & threads @thedrevlow.